Tuesday, January 25, 2011

This post could have been entitled: "Call Sir Mix-a-Lot, Baby's got Back" but instead will be called "Ugly Bags of Mostly Water"

How typical!  I was going to write a post about how I'm not really so upset about the weight gain because I've always wanted a butt and boobs and rounded limbs and then I went from this...

Only more tan and even bigger boobs.

To this...

Only slightly less purple... and bigger boobs.

This is due to water retention and I can see where it would be very uncomfortable to be this bloated during the summer.  Only, doesn't water expand when it gets cold?  I'm fairly sure of this.  Please, god, don't let it get any colder, I'll pop like an over-filled water balloon!

Tying my shoes is practically impossible.  Not only can I barely bend over to reach the foot I've placed ON A STEP-LADDER for easy access (try bending a hot dog 90 degrees) but my fat little fingers can barely grasp the shoelaces.  It's like I've lost all control over my hands!  Today I went to pick up my coffee mug and spilled coffee all over the kitchen.  The coffee got INTO one of the cabinets and all of my mixing bowls.  Now that's talent, folks.  Taking my Danish test today was agonizing - it was an hour of writing.  Seriously, when did they start making pencils so damn skinny?  

And then there's my butt.  Ah, oh round and juicy rump, how I wanted you!  How I strived to find jeans that gave you shape when you had none!  How I wished that one day my husband could pat you and not be stabbed by my pelvic bones!  And, oh joy!  You arrived one night, overnight express!  I went to bed, using pillows to keep my hip bones from grinding into the mattress pad and woke to find a comfortable seat upon which to sit!  Frabjous day, callooh callay!  Soon the bruising I had sustained from sitting on a less-than ample rear would fade and I would... wait... what is that?  And that?  DEAR GOD I HAVE STRETCH MARKS ON MY ASS!  How the?  What the?

Well thank the gods I was never planning on taking up nude bathing.  

And I can rule out squatting any more, at least for any longer than it takes for me to retrieve whatever I've dropped on the floor.  From the moment I bend my legs past the 90 degree mark, circulation is completely cut off.  Longer than 5 seconds and I need to be able to grab something to haul myself out of the squatting position.  If there's nothing to grab, someone needs to rescue me or I have to stretch out on the ground, wait for circulation to clear my legs and begin the roly-poly process of getting to my feet.  The cat, bless his evil little soul, thinks this means I want to play with him.  Ever have a cat gnawing on your head while you flail helplessly on the ground like an upturned turtle?  I do NOT recommend it.

"I'm so going to jump down and bite your ankles.  See, I'm half way down.  
I just gotta rest here a minute.  Conserve my strength.  But then I'm totally going to bite your ankles, fatso."

My back continues to hold.  I think this is directly due to the amount of pick axing I've done in my life and possibly the overly filled backpack I've carried for the last 25 years.  (Lockers require you to remember your combination and after the fifth time of going to the office to ask for it, I just began to carry my whole academic life wherever I went.)  But my knees are reminding me that pushing wheelbarrows for years is NOT the way to build up joint strength and I think my ankles and feet are in negotiations to unionize.  I expect a walk-out any day.

Not that I blame them, my weight is insane.  I really do think that the scale is having some fun at my expense.  There's no way I can be 80 kg (176 lbs)!  The DB only weighs 84 kg (185 lbs)!  With 8 weeks still to go, I expect I'll pass his weight.  To give you an idea of what my poor feet, ankles, and knees are putting up with - 8 years ago I weighed 52 kg (115 lbs), dripping wet and holding a gallon of water, 8 months ago I weighed 60 kg (132 lbs), 8 days ago I weighed 78 kg (171 lbs) and now I weigh 80 kg (176 lbs).

***The number 8 seems to be the magic number here.  Any numerologists in the house?  What does that mean!?!***

I have a midwife appointment tomorrow.  Half of me is worried she'll flip out over my weight and put me on a diet and half of me is worried that she won't blink an eye and tell me I'll gain another 8-10 kg (17-22 lbs) before the 19th of March.  At which point I'm going to need a forklift to get out of bed and pulley rig to get me off the toilet.


  1. You're on the downward slope! Hang on! Hell, I have stretch marks on my boobs and hips and I've never even had a baby. Life is unfair. Whether you have a kid or not, your body stretches out and droops. Pooh.

  2. You must get the DB to take a decent picture of you. I cannot picture this buxom version of my beloved Archaeogoddess, and I'm totally bummed that I'm not there to see it, if for no reason than that it would mean that just once people would actually effing believe me that you can eat me under the table, any day

  3. Anonymous4:18 PM

    Hehe - I can assure you that water doesn't expand as it gets colder (except between 4 deg C to 0 deg C, but that's minimal). So you probably want it to get colder :)

  4. Hahahahahaha! Ah, memories - thank God I'm done having babies! Hang in there, you're getting to the point where the spawn will start to infringe on your stomach and you won't be able to put much food in at all (unless you want it back). Unfortunately this also meant more heartburn for me, but not being able to eat as much I did lose some weight before birth.

    I realize its cold there, but you might just consider flip flops - easy to put on and they keep hot, swollen feet well ventilated. I would have given anything some days to be able to put my feet in some snow!

  5. Anonymous6:17 PM

    It's gotta level out soon! Phewee. Hope everything went well with midwife.

  6. Anonymous9:21 PM

    8 is a very auspicious number, so no worries there :)
    You know, before my own pregnancy, I weighed 75. Just prior to popping, I weighed 100. Both times. 100 KILOS! Do you know what that is? A baby elephant. Ffs. Feeling for ya.

  7. Anonymous9:34 PM

    Stretch marks are a form of scarring. They can be treated and reduced - no, they will never go away, but over time (think 24 months) they can be faded. Ask your dermatologist. Several of my friends who've had several children swear by laser treatment.

  8. That is a great cat photo. Would love to see the bloated you as well, though.

    Just had to come in because Ugly Bags of Mostly Water always cracks me up. Universe's funniest aliens, I swear!

  9. Anonymous8:50 PM

    Isn't there a cream you can use against stretch marks? I can't even remember what it's called. But while they're pinky red, you have a chance of reducing them. Cocoa butter HAS GOT TO WORK, my friend. There is nothing that stuff can't do.

    I went through a MAJOR growth spurt at 8 and I am covered with them. I quite like them, it's like how some people collect tattoos, I collect life-scars that remind me about things that came before.

  10. Re: stretch marks - I've been using a lovely herby oil on my belly and so far, no stretch marks. Could be the nightly massage and not the oil - but who cares? No marks so far! (Fingers crossed.) The only new marks I have are right smack dab in the middle of my ass, about where they put back pockets on jeans. Seriously, unless I lay nude on the beach (not going to happen, my friends, not going to happen), no one is going to see those. The ones all over my legs from my growth spurt in high school - yeah, for whatever reason, I've never really thought that much about those.

    I do think I could use some cocoa butter for my feet though. Poor poor abused feet. If only I could reach them to give them some love! If only my cat would learn how to give proper pedicures!


Keep it clean, don't be mean....