Thursday, January 13, 2011

Help, I've swallowed an octopus!

It must be an octopus.  I mean, there is NO WAY the child in my stomach has only two arms and two legs.

If I was having twins I would assume that there was a wrestling match going on - but with only one little person in there...  WTF??

I'm pleased to report that my child has all of the expected appendages and has working joints.  At least I'm pretty sure those were elbows and knees that joined in the fun.  Because if those weren't elbows and knees as well as hands and feet, well... I may be giving birth to an octopus.  Only not a soft and squishy octopus.  One with wildly kicking feet.  And flailing arms.  That head-butts.

I'm getting head-butted in the cervix.

You know where I never expected to get head-butted?

In. The. Cervix.

All this flailing about sets off Braxton-Hicks contractions, which of course aren't painful, but are very distracting.

Funny story about these contractions.  See, I get them all the freaking time but I didn't think they were contractions per se, I was describing them as "uterine flexes" because it felt like my uterus was sort-of flexing, like when you are standing in line at the supermarket and you flex your butt cheeks or your leg muscles to keep blood flowing and give yourself something to think about other strangling than the alcoholic in front of you who is paying for his cheap vodka with very small change - one coin dug out of his pocket at a time.  

What, you don't flex your butt cheeks while queuing? Alrighty then, moving on!  

Then one day in my 22nd or 23rd week I was reading up on labor and figured I should google Braxton-Hicks to find out how they would feel so that I wouldn't mistake them for real contractions in a few months.  Because, as the book assured me, I was probably going to mistake this false labor for the real thing and that this was OK, it happens to us all, you gibbering idiot.  LOL on me, "uterine flexes" are Braxton-Hicks contractions.  Color me silly!  I have several every day, but it never occurred to me that this was something other women panic about and run off to the hospital shrieking about going into early labor.

Not that I want crazy painful labor pains or anything, but I kinda hope early labor is a bit more apparent, otherwise I'm going to end up giving birth in the shower on accident because I didn't notice.

***BTW, I'm totally joking here - you don't have to tell me that I will notice and that there will be pain and all kinds of other delightful surprises because I'm well aware.  I'm just being facetious.***

So anyway, two hours of kicking, punching, head butting and intermittent contractions later, I was feeling quite nauseous (surprising facts about pregnancy #43, having your insides bounced around will make you just as nauseous as if you were driving on a winding road, so take *that* Inner Ear and suck on it).  Then the Spawn got the hiccups.

"HA!" I thought, "serves you right, you fetal asshole!"  I hate hiccups, but the great thing about fetal hiccups is that they are rhythmic and pack far less of a punch than, say, A PUNCH.

Alas, the Spawn seems to take after Mommy in regards to hiccups.  I'll get, like, five, and then be done.  Same with Spawn.  So five or so hiccups later we were back to the flailing and the contractions.

"Your child," I announced to the DB, "is an asshole."  And for a few moments my husband tried to reason with my belly.  But like cats and children, fetuses are jerks.  

But I'll get the Spawn back.  Oh yes I will!  In under 10 weeks, I'm a gonna give birth to this thing, whether it wants to come out OR NOT!  Cry all you want, Spawn, you ain't going back in!  I WIN!


  1. Too funny! You'll be thinking of the octopus analogy again when the little one is about a year old and absolutely doesn't want his/her diaper changed. I always thought is was like trying to diaper a greased octopus!

  2. Oy...I so know where you're coming from, here. Cass used to dig her little toes into my ribs. (Big, big baby...a ten pounder if you'll recall.)

    Getting to know her for the last 11 years, I'm entirely positive she did it on purpose. Because, you are right...fetuses are jerks!


Keep it clean, don't be mean....