Yeah, I'm a Domestic Goddess!
Nigella can totally bite my increasingly padded butt.
Goddesses produce miracles and I have not ever seen one miracle come out of that woman's kitchen. Unless you call someone else prepping all your food and putting it into little glass bowls so that you can easily grab and dump in "2 teaspoons of extra fancy spice only available at the corner Asian shop that everyone has because they obviously live in a large cosmopolitan city with a thriving immigrant community and that I didn't even have to go get because I have a producer and minions to do these things for me" a miracle. I do not.
Try making a miracle without a production company, woman!
Did Jesus ring his agent to bring wine to that wedding in Cana? Nope. 'Cause then it wouldn't have been a miracle, right? I mean, back in the day when someone showed up with a keg of beer at your house it wasn't a miracle, it was "knowing who to call at 3 in the morning." Unless of course you don't know the guy and he says something like "I found this keg and I figured you'd like it and the companionship of my 5 underwear model friends." Then it's an act of God. But it still isn't you preforming the miracle.
Domestic Goddesses make rolling pins out of wine bottles. They decide that if they want to have battered deep-fried onion rings and they don't have a deep fryer then by-golly there will be deep frying in a frying pan with less than a centimeter of oil in the bottom BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT. Domestic Goddesses look at a recipe where 50% of the items are things that can't be gotten where they live and then find alternatives and substitutions and BLOODY MAKE DUE. Domestic Goddesses make Greek yogurt by using coffee filters (this actually makes my husband a Domestic Goddess, but I'm sure he won't mind). Domestic Goddesses have flattened chicken with cans of un-marinated artichoke hearts and then made up a marinade for the artichokes because half of the brilliant dishes that come out of their kitchens begin with a can in the hand and "I've got an idea!"
I'm pretty sure I've said all this before. But I think it needs saying again. Lest we forget and all that.
The next time you find yourself standing in front of a stove, exhausted, brushing hair out of your eyes and possibly mixing some ingredient or two into your hair, but still cooking, goddamnit, because ya'll gotta eat - that is the freakin' miracle.
And that makes YOU a Domestic Goddess too!