Only more tan and even bigger boobs.
Only slightly less purple... and bigger boobs.
This is due to water retention and I can see where it would be very uncomfortable to be this bloated during the summer. Only, doesn't water expand when it gets cold? I'm fairly sure of this. Please, god, don't let it get any colder, I'll pop like an over-filled water balloon!
Tying my shoes is practically impossible. Not only can I barely bend over to reach the foot I've placed ON A STEP-LADDER for easy access (try bending a hot dog 90 degrees) but my fat little fingers can barely grasp the shoelaces. It's like I've lost all control over my hands! Today I went to pick up my coffee mug and spilled coffee all over the kitchen. The coffee got INTO one of the cabinets and all of my mixing bowls. Now that's talent, folks. Taking my Danish test today was agonizing - it was an hour of writing. Seriously, when did they start making pencils so damn skinny?
And then there's my butt. Ah, oh round and juicy rump, how I wanted you! How I strived to find jeans that gave you shape when you had none! How I wished that one day my husband could pat you and not be stabbed by my pelvic bones! And, oh joy! You arrived one night, overnight express! I went to bed, using pillows to keep my hip bones from grinding into the mattress pad and woke to find a comfortable seat upon which to sit! Frabjous day, callooh callay! Soon the bruising I had sustained from sitting on a less-than ample rear would fade and I would... wait... what is that? And that? DEAR GOD I HAVE STRETCH MARKS ON MY ASS! How the? What the?
Well thank the gods I was never planning on taking up nude bathing.
And I can rule out squatting any more, at least for any longer than it takes for me to retrieve whatever I've dropped on the floor. From the moment I bend my legs past the 90 degree mark, circulation is completely cut off. Longer than 5 seconds and I need to be able to grab something to haul myself out of the squatting position. If there's nothing to grab, someone needs to rescue me or I have to stretch out on the ground, wait for circulation to clear my legs and begin the roly-poly process of getting to my feet. The cat, bless his evil little soul, thinks this means I want to play with him. Ever have a cat gnawing on your head while you flail helplessly on the ground like an upturned turtle? I do NOT recommend it.
"I'm so going to jump down and bite your ankles. See, I'm half way down.
I just gotta rest here a minute. Conserve my strength. But then I'm totally going to bite your ankles, fatso."
My back continues to hold. I think this is directly due to the amount of pick axing I've done in my life and possibly the overly filled backpack I've carried for the last 25 years. (Lockers require you to remember your combination and after the fifth time of going to the office to ask for it, I just began to carry my whole academic life wherever I went.) But my knees are reminding me that pushing wheelbarrows for years is NOT the way to build up joint strength and I think my ankles and feet are in negotiations to unionize. I expect a walk-out any day.
Not that I blame them, my weight is insane. I really do think that the scale is having some fun at my expense. There's no way I can be 80 kg (176 lbs)! The DB only weighs 84 kg (185 lbs)! With 8 weeks still to go, I expect I'll pass his weight. To give you an idea of what my poor feet, ankles, and knees are putting up with - 8 years ago I weighed 52 kg (115 lbs), dripping wet and holding a gallon of water, 8 months ago I weighed 60 kg (132 lbs), 8 days ago I weighed 78 kg (171 lbs) and now I weigh 80 kg (176 lbs).
***The number 8 seems to be the magic number here. Any numerologists in the house? What does that mean!?!***
I have a midwife appointment tomorrow. Half of me is worried she'll flip out over my weight and put me on a diet and half of me is worried that she won't blink an eye and tell me I'll gain another 8-10 kg (17-22 lbs) before the 19th of March. At which point I'm going to need a forklift to get out of bed and pulley rig to get me off the toilet.