Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Into the cornfield with you, Timmy!

Yesterday I threw some clothes on and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Gah!" I went, "Can I look more unattractive?"

I tried buttoning up the sweater, but that only made it worse.  So then I tried putting a belt on, "to create the illusion of a waist" as I'd seen successfully accomplished on a TV show.

Fail.

I tried unbuttoning the sweater with a belt.

Fail.

I took off the belt.  Unbuttoned the sweater.

Fail.

As I was trying to get my child into her fleece, and the sweater kept slipping off my shoulders, I found myself thinking, "I'm so hideous and fat and I can't even keep this sweater on!"  Then it suddenly hit me.

Everything that was wrong involved this sweater.  IT WAS THE SWEATER!!

One handed I ripped the sweater off and threw it at the floor.

"It's YOU DAMNIT!" I yelled, and as the DB was about to say "*I* didn't do anything, why are you yelling at ME?!" I clarified, "THIS SWEATER IS THE SOURCE OF ALL THAT IS UGLY ABOUT ME!  I'M NOT UGLY!!  THIS SWEATER IS UGLY!!  AND I SHAN'T WEAR IT ANYMORE!!  LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WEAR CLOTHES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL UGLY!!"

And with that I threw it into a box.

I feel thinner and prettier already.

3 comments:

  1. If it were warmer here, we could all just be nudists. :p

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    Replies
    1. I'd be happier if were just warm enough that I didn't have to be wearing sweaters in July.

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  2. This made me giggle.

    ReplyDelete

Keep it clean, don't be mean....