In the middle of the night I write brilliant posts in my head about the inequalities of the world, or assholes that need a swift kick in the taco, or silly things my child has done.
But as I sat here with an hour on my hands, a precious hour where the Spawn was being walked in her stroller by the DB, an hour where I had no laundry to fold, okay, maybe I had dishes to wash but screw them, and no pressing need to shower, I could sit down and write one of those blog posts. I just couldn't bring myself to write a single one.
- A post about how people need to stop asking the childless-by-choice people when they're going to have children and going on about how "I don't want kids" is somehow not a good enough reason or deemed selfish, god only knows why, and this leads to justification, which leads to those of us with kids to justify (if only to ourselves) why we decided to have kids, and there's frankly no good reason other than "I wanted to pass along my genes and my knowledge" but because this is also deemed selfish, what you get is two groups of people yelling "you selfish bitch" at each other and really, seriously WHO THE HELL CARES? By God, if you don't want to have kids, you should be able to say, proudly, "I don't want to have kids" and people who can't accept that should be shot. Because I'm sick of hearing from each side how much better they are than the other. The only reason we find ourselves doing that is because of the assholes who keep demanding that people have some deep reasoning behind their procreative choices. GAH!
Unless your parents turned in a well-constructed essay on why you deserve to exist, as well as a balanced budget, letters of recommendation from people who can testify to their abilities to parent, you shouldn't even BE here, you planet-cluttering sprog!
- A post about how shocked I was to discover that while I am at the perfect BMI number, right between too skinny and too fat, I STILL don't fit into any clothes. I know from my plus-sized friends that clothes don't fit big girls. I know from being rail-thin that clothes aren't made for the skinny (no matter how much you may whine about "only models fit these clothes," I tell you, not the clothes on the rack, nosireebob). So now at the perfect size and shape, if I still don't fit into anything, I can only come to one conclusion - clothes were not made to be worn. They are made only so that closets, chests of drawers, and wardrobes have a function. It's a plot from Ikea to sell more flat-pack furniture.
Looks a lot more insidious now, doesn't it?
- A post about how the Spawn continues to teach me about life, the universe and everything. Including: Mommy can pick Mommy's nose. Baby can pick Mommy's nose. Nobody on this planet is going to pick Baby's nose! Back off bitch! I bite you! NOM NOM!
Trying to get the snot out of my child's nose is like reaching into a sink garbage disposal in a horror film.
That's not soap bubbles! It's Soap Slime from Space!!
It kills you DEAD! And leaves a nasty waxy coating on your wine glasses!
- A post about how culture shock makes friendships hard because you're all moving through the stages at different times so one day you are all Honeymoon stage and hating on the haters and then the next day you are telling the newbies to take off the damn rosy glasses and then suddenly you are over it and focusing on the important things in life, like who ate the damn After Eights because *I* sure as hell didn't get any and people are telling you that you've drunk the kool-aid and you're all, take that back or I'll cut you and then you feel like you can't even tell people that you're happy because they get all nasty and tell you that you must not be paying attention or are deluded or are naive and you start thinking deep thoughts like "misery loves company, while happiness is a solitary pursuit" and think about changing your name and leaving no forwarding address.
Or until you block me, whore
- A post about teething and why did Mother Nature arm infants before they learn how to understand "NO" and "OUCH"? Mother Nature is a total bitch.
I did a Google image search for Mother Nature and the hippistaria overwhelmed me.
I feel like I'm having LSD flashbacks and I've never even DONE LSD, so how sucky is that?
So instead I opted for this post which isn't much of a post but a series of post-lets. Which took me all damn day to write anyway.
I was going to say "post-it" but that term has already been taken.