The other day the DB and I had... a discussion.
In the course of this... discussion... I explained that I tend to get irritated quickly but then I get over it whereas he tends to become annoyed by something slowly and then he obsesses about it. And that this irritates me.
He panicked.
Another irritating trait of his.
He was worried that I was voicing some deep-seated problem that would fester in our relationship and, if left unsolved, would somehow destroy the very fabric of our marriage. More worrisome, by far, was that I stated that I didn't see this problem as being solvable. Because that would be the end of our marriage. OH MY GOD I WANTED A DIVORCE!!
Okay, maybe he didn't get that far in his reasoning, but there was definitely panic and "what do you mean you don't think it can be solved???" Because in his world, when there are problems in a marriage you solve them and being irritated with one's spouse is obviously a problem.
Immediately I wanted to hit him over the head with a cast-iron skillet.
Then I got over it.
'Cause I'm calm and collected, y'all.
I explained that we're different and that being different does not mean I'm going to divorce his ass. I mean, he eats bananas - BANANAS - and I had a baby with him. I just ask him not to kiss me after eating a banana. SO GROSS! Slimy and *gak* I think I just threw up a little in my mouth! Bananas! Did I demand he give them up? Nope. Did I say, "bring another banana in this house and I'll see you dine in Hell?" No. Did I dramatically fling the bananas from the house and ask for compensation for my mental health? No I did not, but I totally should. Ugh. SLIMY!! Bananas!
And he calmed down.
But the whole conversation left me with this surreal feeling. Like, seriously, did he think that it was a problem every time I was irritated with him? Did he really think that if we didn't discuss it or figure out how one of us could change to be less irritating our marriage would fail? Because, honestly, I want to hit him with a cast-iron skillet at least once a DAY.
And he wants to have a discussion every time? Oh hells noes! I really will take a skillet to his skull should he try that shit.
Just now he took the Spawn off my hands for a bit, so I could have a break. He then asked "okay, so what's the plan?" Plan? Uh, you take the Spawn for a bit and I sit here and have a break, that's the mofo plan! I don't care what you do with her, but I am doing SOMETHING ELSE. I'm still not sure what he wanted. I folded the clothes. I'll do dishes with him in a bit. I'll get on the sorting of the bathroom boxes at some point, just not right now. Right now I am having me a Spawn-free moment. Go away before I hit you over the head with this skillet!
But him asking about The Plan is only a little bit irritating. Having a half-hour long discussion on why I'm irritated would be VERY IRRITATING! By the time that I'm done writing this post, I'm going to be over it, so what is the point?
The point, he would say, is so that this situation doesn't happen again.
Right. Okay. Never talk to me again! Then you can't possibly say something that might irritate me! Except I'll probably be irritated by your silence! Or the way you stand! Or your breathing!!
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU CAN'T WIN! I WILL ALWAYS BE IRRITATED!! I'M IRRITABLE! IT'S PART OF MY CHARM!!!
I swear.. DB sounds like my husband's separated-at-birth twin! (except that DB can DRIVE?!?) I found myself in a similar situation this morning : He said, "I'm going up (to the rooftop) to work, now", I said, "Okay", he didn't hear me, so said "Verliz??" and I shouted "OKAY!!" BOOM!! *There* I suddenly am in the middle of a discussion about my "attitude". Just a backup to the story, when I woke up this morning, I met the same pile of dishes in the sink, so commented, "I see you decided to do the dishes", and he responded, "I see you decided to do my translations". For him, my being stay-at-home means that house duties ARE my job (except when I'm out of the house doing something else for a paying employer), but I totally WAS out, this week, while he works from the roof.. so being pissed off was justified if you ask me).. So anyways, he decided to project his guilt on to me.. not even as if my pissed-offness was continuous, btw.. Often, it's just a wave, and I move on. Seriously.. what good does broiling in one's anger do anybody? But.. Boom!!! "Discussion" And of course the easiest way to make someone pissed off anew is to take them BACK to the event(s) that pissed them off in the FIRST place.. It's a vicious cycle, I tell ya!!
ReplyDeleteLOL! It *IS* isn't it? And I totally know that conversation about attitude!
ReplyDeleteDB "I'll be out in the garden!"
AG "Ok."
"What?"
"Okay!"
"Is there a problem?"
"No."
"What?"
"No!"
(Comes back inside) "What's the matter?"
"Nothing."
"There was a tone."
"There was no tone."
"Yes there was."
"WHAT tone?!"
"That tone!"
"OMG there WAS NO TONE!"
Another one of my favorites was when we had a discussion about how his "discussion" is my "argument" and that when I raise my voice LIKE THIS, we are no longer having a "discussion" we are "arguing".
Then a few days ago I said, "our marriage is pretty good. We don't argue all that much." And his eyes about popped out of his head.
I like to keep him on his toes.
Get out of my head, and get your spy cameras out of my house! Sverre and I had nearly this exact same discussion about a week ago. It must be what happens when Americans marry Scandihooligans, I don't know. He told me one day we needed to work on our relationship because we "fight all the time." No, not at all. I get irritated quickly, and then I get over it. This is not a marriage crisis, this is me and him under a little stress. Boys. They're all drama.
ReplyDeleteThis has nothing to do with being from two different countries--it's got everything to do with being a woman living with a man! God! Men are so sensitive. Same thing happens with my man. I cannot be in a bad mood EVER around him cause it just brings him down--and he thinks he did something. Sometimes I just wanna be pissed off and left alone!
ReplyDeleteWasn't there an episode of friends where Chandler went from small disagreement to "OMG she wants to break up!"? :p
ReplyDeleteAnd my husband asks about THE PLAN as well. ARGH! I hate THE PLAN. Yes, must.curb.skillet.urges.
I think it is a particularly American-Dane issue. We Americans have to remember that we think it's fine to express all our feelings. Feelings are just communication to us, right? But of course to Danes, expressing "negative" feelings directly crashes the hygge. And this you must not do. So for example, if I say, "Sweetest Thorbear, please remember to dry the clothes on the lowest setting, even tho' I know you always do that," the Dane has no issue. Hygge is preserved. But if I say "Dry on low, ok!?!?" hygge has been wrecked, and that means serious trouble to a Danish mind. They learn to be oblique with criticism and irritability in kindergarten. They don't think it's healthy or useful to express them, unless it's really a huge issue, which is why divorce leaps to their minds. :) This is just the joy of navigating danskehed. :)
ReplyDelete