Wednesday, January 04, 2012

And that's the first and last time I make a resolution

I normally don't make New Year's resolutions.  There's nothing that I want to change about myself that I put off doing or need some sort of arbitrary date to say "hey, NOW I'm going to do That Thing I Said I'd Do But Don't."

For the things I've needed to do, most of the time they came with their own deadline that was WAY more scary than some New Year's promise to myself.

But this [last] year was different.

This [last] year I spent the twilight months whining about the little pokey belly I have left over from pregnancy.  It's little.  It's pokey.  It pokes out like I'm three months pregnant.  And I'm not.  I'm SO NOT.  So, I'm WAY over it.  Everything else about my post-pregnant body I'm totally cool with.

150 lbs (68.6 kg)?  Sure.
Balloons for boobs?  Both inflated and sometimes not so inflated? Sure.
Stretch marks?  Whatever.
1,001 new let's-call-them-beauty-marks-and-not-moles-'kay? Fine.
Thighs to finally go with women's shorts/jeans/trousers?  Oh, hell yes, thank you pregnancy!
Hips?  Hey!  Whoot!  HIPS!!  Hip hip hooray!

From the front I look like a normal woman.  Heck, from the back I look like a normal woman (hello sexy butt!)!  But then I turn sideways and it's all, wait, what is that?  It's like I'm carrying the keg they normally hang around the neck of a St. Bernard around my waist under my shirt.

And it throws off EVERYTHING.  Pants have to be big enough to go around it or low cut enough to go under it.  The problem with low cut pants is plumber butt AND the waist band then acts like an underwire bra for my belly, pushing it up and out.  Oh, if only men were turned on by stomach cleavage.  Shirts have to be loose enough to not accentuate the belly, but shouldn't look like I'm wearing a tent.  I'm still wearing a handful of maternity shirts, only a few of them I had to quit wearing because they were too tight.  How messed up is that?  And sweaters... well, I can't button up a single cardigan without looking like I'm going to fire off a button at some poor unsuspecting bystander.

So the belly had to go.

But when do you start something like that?  If I lived in Hollywood, the answer would be "30 seconds after popping out the child" but I'm a normal gal with a normal aversion to exercise, so obviously I put it off because I needed the extra fat for lactation.  Obviously.

Roll in the New Year.

"Aha!" thought I, "I will begin my exercise program as a New Year's Resolution!  I will begin to work on the belly and I will not stop until it is gone or I can button a cardigan!  Whichever comes first because I HATE sit-ups."

I googled a bunch of exercises aimed at toning my core (as if I'm some apple or pear and not, as I believe myself to be, an avocado).  I commandeered a blanket to use as my mat.  I began my exercises on January 1st and successfully did 30 kegels, 30 scrunches (or whatever you call those half sit-ups, because I'm not strong enough to do proper sit-ups) and 10 leg lifts.

I did not get a "high" from working out, as some people breathlessly tell you.  "Oh, I just love a good workout!" they gush "The endorphins from 30 minutes of rapid movement is just SO FANTASTIC!"

I have never felt a rush from working out.  Frankly, I think people who do are just suffering from a lack of oxygen during their exercises.  That's not endorphins, you fools, it's brain cells dying at a rapid rate because you aren't breathing enough!

But anyway, there I was, doing my bit to lose a belly.

And it was all going swimmingly until yesterday when I was picking up some groceries and felt a *pop* followed by waves a pain throughout my chest. I'd dislocated a rib.

Probably because my new chest muscles are just that ripping.

Or possibly because the cough I'd developed over the last few days was nice chest rattler and every cough threatened to dislodge a lung.  Maybe it loosened a rib instead.

Or maybe my body was all "exercise if for assholes" and decided to do something about it.

I don't know.  All I know is that I can't lift much, bend over much, or breath deeply.

So much for my exercise regime.

So much for my New Year's Resolution.

6 comments:

  1. You know.. almost-four-years later, I've still got my pouch.. Never did a situp (not that it's any help for/to you, but breastfeeding made me lose MAD weight (people tend to hate me when I say that).. and I wasn't motivated to do cardio JUST to lose the gut, thereby losing MORE weight in the process). Solution? A GIRDLE!! Now I've got 4 of them that I use in rotation, cuz I figured out.. "Folks spent time developing this shit for a REAson!" So... Girdle up, and make yourself an end-of-January or middle-of-March or whenEVer-the-pain-stops resolution.

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  2. I just fell over this clip the other day. REALLY effective ab exercises that I'm pretty sure won't bend your ribs. I've been doing them myself several times a day - I enjoy it even!

    http://nyhederne-dyn.tv2.dk/article.php/id-37173071:s%C3%A5dan-f%C3%A5r-du-flad-mave-for-altid.html?ss

    Word verification for this comment? pain chip
    Not making this up.

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  3. That sounds painful! I hope you feel better soon, and nope, I never got that high out of exercise either, although I have to admit it gets easier over time.

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  4. I'm averse to exercise for the purpose of exercising. A 10 mile hike for a beautiful view, for the peace and serenity I feel only when deep in the wilderness. Bring it on.

    Obviously not so much anymore (fucking useless body) but sit ups are bullshit. Really and truly. And, frankly...you are lovely. And you had a kid. Your body will never be the same. And, since I've now met her, she's definitely worth the little belly.

    Plus...you might have another kid, and what if you did all that work and got it flattish, and then another little jerk came along and undid all your hard work. Invest in some spanx, and call it good. And don't go dislocating anymore body parts...poochy tummy or pain every time you move? Easy choice that.

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  5. Right... so I *might* work on tummy toning again at some point to be determined in the future, but until then... er, does anyone know where to buy spanx or an attractive, comfortable girdle in Denmark?

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  6. Great ab workouts are complementary in getting rid of excess fat around your waist. As you become stronger with your abdominal exercise muscles, you also burn up the stored fat that is so hard to get too.

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Keep it clean, don't be mean....