It's taken a while, but after days, weeks, MONTHS even, of my bitching, whining and moping - I've finally got a hair appointment.
It's coming off, ladies and gentlemen.
Every now and again I grow my hair out, probably just to remind myself how damned annoying it is.
But during pregnancy and the first month or so of mommyhood, long hair just sort of works.
1) The hair was thicker and more glorious than ever.
2) My skin and scalp were way less oily and icky than ever.
It was the meeting of two perfect moments. Yes, for a while there, I had lots of glorious hair that could go days without being washed. I was sexy, divine!
Those days... alas... are gone.
First of all, the lovely hormones that keep your hair from falling out are gone (or the hormones that make your hair fall out are back... or... well, hell, it's different) and then all the hair that should have fallen out, falls out.
It's like Margo when they took her out of Shangri-la. (Alas there is no good image to go with that...)
I'm going bald. In parts. Okay, just in the front. And it's only noticeable when I pull my hair back.
But I have to pull my hair back all the time or it gets in my eyes. Balls.
It doesn't help that it tangles just by looking at it. I pull more hair out just trying to brush it, let alone when I try to get it up into a pony tail. Who knew that hair, nicely brushed, would knot THAT EASILY when you try to wrestle it into a band. I have broken my brush TWICE. And my hair is only just past my shoulders in length.
That's reason number 2.
Meanwhile my application to OPEC as a new member-state is going well. My skin will solve the energy crisis, as soon as I figure out how to get it off my face and into my car...
Thankfully, since I am able to take long showers every day, I can keep my skin and hair clean and healthy and...
*howling with laughter* I'm sorry *choke* Seem to have lost my poker face somewhere...
My face rivals that of a teen on prom night and my scalp... my scalp has PIMPLES, y'all! Running my fingers through my hair means... ugh, I'm not even going to go there.
Yes, I'll talk about poop and boobs and bodily functions, but there are some realms I will not enter.
I hate pimples. And they are in my hair. That's reason number three.
So the hair has to be cut off. I can wash it faster that way, getting the soap right down to the scalp. I will not need to even look at conditioner (which I can't use right now if I want my hair to even look slightly clean), and it'll dry faster without any help from me, because I don't have the time for a hair dryer.
But my child is going to lose one of her favorite toys.
I feel kinda guilty.
She uses my hair as a rope to swing from and as a chew toy. She likes to shove a whole handful in her mouth and suck on it to calm herself. And I'm going to just cut it all off. *wail* What will she play with instead?!
But that's another reason. Because she sucks on it. I try to wash my hair with only natural products, but with the amount of oil and skin build up (because I can't wash it every day), it's not getting clean. I'm using regular old shampoo again, and it works, to a certain extent, but now the ends are dry and split and she's ingesting it.
So my scalp is pimpled, the hair is oily at the base and dry and split at the ends, it's constantly tangled - even when I've brushed it, it's falling out at a prodigious rate - leaving me with thinner hair in the front - which is highlighted by my attempts to keep the stuff out of my eyes, and my child is eating it.
And to top it all off... I feel gross and hate my appearance in photos.
I don't want to be that mommy - the mommy who screams "no, don't take a picture of me!" and hides behind the baby, who won't leave the house because she's embarrassed to be seen, and who embarrasses her family by looking like a crazy homeless person.
Seize the scissors! Take it off! Take it all off!!
...before I change my mind...