Do you ever do something so dumb that you just stand there for a minute revealing in the dumbness of it all? I'm not talking about bungee-jumping or getting George Wendt's face tattooed on your ass, but more of an every day dumbness that is magnificent in both it's banality and stupidity.
Like dropping your socks into the toilet the day after you've decided to save water by not flushing after every pee?
Like the things immortalized in Alanis Morrisette's "Ironic" which of course weren't ironic, but instead just a lot of bad timing.
Like this morning when I discovered that I needed to refill my little sugar jar and over the course of the next hour managed to give myself type 1.3333333 diabetes (the diabetes you get by consuming waaaaaay to much sugar in waaaaaaay too short of time).
Backstory: I'm the type of person who has dreams of a tidy, ordered kitchen. I salivate over kitchen design and have been known to stroke kitchen surfaces in kitchen design stores (just window shopping... with my hands) and in Ikea (hey, did you know that sometimes those stove tops are plugged in? Just sayin'). So of course I have (from Ikea) multi-sized jars to hold various powders (you should see my jar of refined heroin) (OH I AM SO KIDDING, MOM!) including the sugar, which is not in powder form (and strangely enough, the powder sugar is still in a box, gotta fix that), but is in a lovely and very large jar. This is of course completely impractical for daily use. So I have a smaller jar that I decant the right amount of sugar to, so I have something that is small enough to put out for coffee.
Some people have those cute little sugar jars. I have one that says "Marmalade" on the side but is instead holding a cinnamon-sugar combo used for oatmeal and risengrød (a Danish rice porridge that you eat once a year right before Christmas) because that's the way I roll.
I have my eye on a set of coffee cups, saucers, and cruet set from a particular store here on the island. But who of you are willing to bet that I
a) never get around to buying it?
b) buy it but continue to use my little glass jar in order to save the fancy sugar jar for company?
You are probably right, no matter which option you choose.
Anyway, like I was saying, I was out of sugar in my little jar, so I began to transfer sugar from the large jar to the small jar by means of a large table spoon.
Only my coffee cup was sitting next to the small jar.
I don't know how I did it, but my hand missed the small jar completely and dumped the entire table spoon of sugar into my coffee. My only defense is that I hadn't had any coffee yet, because there was no sugar in the little jar, so part of my brain was still working on automatic. Sugar, said that part of my brain, goes in coffee.
Well, crap. Said the other part of my brain. What do we do now? And it decided that if I didn't stir it, the sugar would sit on the bottom of the cup and I could just drink the coffee. And then we don't have to put sugar in the next cup or the next cup! Thought my brain, proceeding to use the type of logic that this part of my brain is known for. In fact, this is a brilliant idea. I'd like to tell you that the other half of my brain chimed in here, but it was still holding the spoon and that took all of it's concentration.
Spoon goes in coffee. No! We are done putting things in coffee! We drink the coffee for tomorrow we die! Or something! Quick, drink the coffee!! Milk goes in coffee. Yes, okay, milk does go in the coffee. If we throw a dab of milk in it will slowly spread through the coffee due to the process known as osmosis... or possibly one of the other mosises. I vaguely remember something about this from science in high school. Nevermind, here, milk, now drink! I have the spoon. Very good, we are all very proud of you and your spoon.
This turned out to be a spectacularly dumb idea. The very scientific principle that allowed the milk to spread though the coffee without stirring also allowed the sugar that dissolved in the coffee to spread and although there was a considerable amount of sugar left at the bottom of the cup once I had drunk the coffee, there was also a considerable amount of sugar IN ME.
You might be thinking, hey, with all that energy, now would be a good time to get some stuff done. Alas, I currently have the attention span of a fruit fly. And also, some rather odd twitching in my left arm. And some slight nausea.
Ooooo, I think I'll go eat some chili-flavored corn nuts!