Tuesday, August 16, 2011

TMI

Having children means a loss of modesty.  But not like oh-I-left-it-around-here-somewhere loss.  No, your modesty will be ripped from you.  And it doesn't end on the labor bed.  No, that's where it begins.  If you think that the worst thing that could happen to you is five strangers staring down at the business end of your child's arrival...  well, read on.

See, you don't give a crap about what's going on when you are at the end of labor (you do at the beginning, which is why they only bring in the big guns and all of their attendants once you are loaded up with drugs or blinded by pain).  A whole troupe of dancing dogs could have come in and I couldn't have cared less.  Nathan Fillion could have walked in and I wouldn't have noticed.
Shiny
But now that I'm moderately presentable these days... apart from repeatedly showing my nipples to random people (especially now that the Spawn likes to stop mid-suck to check out said random people)... I wanted to have at least some modesty back.

BWHAHAHAHAH!

I had to go for my final post-birth doctor appointment.  Er, I mean, appointment relating to birth.  OBVIOUSLY all doctor appointments from now on will be post-birth (ain't nobody backing up that train), but I think I'm done getting prodded for reasons DIRECTLY associated with the arrival of the Spawn.

Earlier I had two physical therapy appointments pertaining to the muscles used in pushing the Spawn out... and the less said about those two appointments, the better.

Okay, maybe just one thing - for the first appointment, in order to keep the Spawn from wigging out, I had to nurse her while I was splayed on the table having my pelvic floor stretched.  All while the doctor called out, "and... squeeze... hold it hold it HOLD IT!"

Cherish your modesty, ladies, because when it's taken from you, you will miss it so.

The DB came to the next appointment so that I didn't have to juggle baby and do Kegels at the same time.

Right.

So this appointment was a gynecological check-up, which the ladies all know well.

Only this was a check-up on steroids.

Not only was I physically probed (next time, can I have the ultra-sound from the OUTSIDE, thankyouverymuch), but my life came under examination as well.  I wonder if one of the nurses was in training or interning or something, because I don't usually get two to be examined.  Or maybe they'd heard about the nursing incident.  Or maybe they thought someone would have to hold me down when they checked for scar tissue in my rectum.

Yeah, I just put my rectum and Nathan Fillion in the same post.  You are SO WELCOME INTERNET.

I think the gynecologists were very disappointed that everything was fine.  The main gyno was really distrustful of every answer I gave.  Even as I said "but since I'm breastfeeding, I just need to remember to drink more fluids," she'd look concerned and immediately interject with "yes, yes, but, you really need to remember to drink more fluids."

Er... that's what I just said.

And the expression on her face when I answered a particular query with "I fart sometimes when I have a big sneeze."  Horror.  But this horror was not because I had mentioned something so awful as passing gas, oh no.  See, this means Something Is Wrong.

'Cause no one has ever farted when sneezing in the whole history of the world.

Dude, my child does that, should I get her started on Kegels before I introduce solid food?  'Cause I think that might be difficult.  The DB is trying to teach her proper crawling techniques and she continues to stop and slap the floor when she gets excited.  Sometimes with her face.  Poor baby.  Or is it that no one 'fesses up to sometimes farting while sneezing?

Be honest here.  Do you blame the dog?

The DB says we should blame the baby.  I'm totally down with that.

But my emission admission earned me 100 Kegels and 25 butt-clenches.  I guess you should not treat the doctor's office like a confessional.  The truth will be punished with repetitive exercises.

Speaking of repetitive exercises - I was assigned "more sex."  Yes, not content to know the ins and outs of my bowels, I was grilled about my sex life.  And told to have more of it.

Since I wasn't gettin' busy enough for my gyno, she concluded something was wrong with me.  "I'm tired, he's tired, and when the baby's finally asleep there are so many other more important things to do.  Like the dishes," is not a good enough excuse.  We should be bouncing like bunnies or something.  That we aren't means... "Does it hurt?" she looked at me sympathetically.  And I'm really tired, so I look confused.
Does she mean my relationship?  Because we're STILL a great team.  Does she mean emotionally?  'Cause sometimes I don't feel very sexy and it would be nice to have a physical reminder that I am one hot mama.  Oh, she means physically!  
"Well, I do have problems with my knees and my back is kinda sore from lifting... "

And after a few more minutes of further embarrassing conversation, I'm assigned more sex AND erotic massage.

Thanks, but I don't *need* an erotic massage.  I need a babysitter.  A regular massage.  And a hotel room.  Then maybe we could get down and dirty at the rate the doctor prescribes.

Although, to be fair, I think if the DB and I had a babysitter, massages and a hotel room, we'd probably just use it to get 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep.

8 comments:

  1. Have I ever told you how much I love your blog posts? Even the ones with rectum, bowels, greasy hair and all the other tit-bits.

    Must be the writing. Yes, definitely the writing. It's goooood!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You also lose the freedom to go to the bathroom alone. I'm a firm believer that whatever I do in the bathroom is "me" time and requires no accompaniment...but the midget felt otherwise for years. I'm back to being able to use the toilet alone, but it took years. Something to look forward to as the Spawn gets more mobile...

    ReplyDelete
  3. You reminded me of my pelvic floor physio and how surreal it was. Charlotte T would be elbow deep in my twinkle and screaming "PULL HARD!!! PULL HARD!!!!" every week. (This was before I had even as much as thought about welcoming a gentleman caller into such a venue.)
    Never cradled a baby at the same time, so you definitely had a surrealer experience.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my lord... wow, how things have changed since 21 years ago when I gave birth. I don't think I had a follow up dr appt for me until my annual checkup the next year!!! Guess you got it ALLLLLLLL and then some!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I flaked on my six-weeks-postpartum exam and had to reschedule, then my NP wasn't available and they rescheduled me another one, which I then forgot because I wasn't involved in the process, so I rescheduled _again_, then on the morning of my appointment (in, like, week nine), they called me and asked, "Well, do you feel back to normal?" to which I replied, "Yeah," and they said I was probably fine and didn't have to come in unless I had specific questions. So apparently it's totally skippable.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I suspect, janetlin, that since you already had a child before this last one, that they knew you would know if something was different from the first time. I doubt that if you were a first timer, as our beloved Archaeogoddess is, that they'd be as serene about you missing that appointment, though, in my experience, boyfriends and husbands tend to be more concerned about that six week appointment than we are, since that's the "coast is all clear appointment."

    However since both you have snagged "good ones," maybe you aren't as familiar with that unfortunate scene as I am. "Yes, the dr said was alright, but the dr isn't here, now is he, jackass?"

    ReplyDelete
  7. My 6-week appointment was the physical therapy one, with the nursing. I got a second physio, probably because of the distracting baby the first time 'round, a month later. This is now 5 months post-partum - after two physical therapy appointments both dealing with my pelvic muscles. Lord only knows what they were expecting "yeah, so I've been pissing myself all over the place but I totally LIED during my physical therapy appointmentS and she missed the signs and NOW I'm ready to fess up five months later."? Things were fine then and they are, shockingly, still fine!

    It's like my dentist appointments. They get so angry that I flake out on my appointments half the time and then have the AUDACITY to not have a cavity. It's all "tsk tsk, you SO should have come in! This is very very bad for you! [long pause] [quietly] Oh, I see you have no cavities. [normal voice] Well, you COULD HAVE had something! Come back in 6 months and we'll check again!"

    ReplyDelete
  8. You mean some people don't fart when they sneeze? Surely something is wrong with THEM!?

    Laughed all the way through this. I had to have an ultrasound, the one that ISN'T on the outside, a couple of weeks ago. There's no dignity left up there...

    ReplyDelete

Keep it clean, don't be mean....