Sunday, February 22, 2009

It keeps you on your toes

This is the reason for Danish weather. There can't be any other use for it, because lord knows it's been less than useful these past few years. But the last 24 hours reminded me, yet again, that New England weather has got NOTHING on Danish weather.

Except of course, NE weather SUCKS more.

The last 24 hours went something like this - I'm doing my thing at my desk and when I got up and walked past the window about fourish, there was a complete white-out blizzard raging. Okay, I exaggerate with the blizzard, but I really couldn't see much other than white and grey through my window. So I crank up the heat, watch the snow a bit, and go back to my thing. Then when I get up to turn on the oven (yeah frozen pizza!) I see that it's no longer snowing, it's pouring rain. Okay, turn down the heat. My husband comes home and tells me that while it's raining down here by the river, it's still snowing just up the hill. These aren't San Francisco hills, mind you. I have once ridden my bike up that hill. Once. Never again, I swear it. Not worth the infarction. Anyway I get up today and there is sun. It's so bloody warm I don't turn on the heat. I open windows. I contemplate shaving my legs (yeeeaaah, at least I thought about it). I wonder where I put my sandals (this is because in New England, when the weather turns this way, everyone pulls out their sandals and run around like psychotic rabbits leaping over the piles of snow that will hang out until April). Now, just about 24 hours after I first noticed snow, it is very overcast with a stiff wind. Heat gets turned up.

This is the joy of Danish weather. It becomes increasingly schizophrenic as winter and spring fight it out. It would all go much better if winter would just happen in December-February, but it seems that fall is a big bully and takes up all of September-January, leaving winter to fight with spring about the meaning of February and March. I think this is also the reason we don't always have summer. Summer is the poor middle child of Danish weather. It gets forced out. Spring, no matter whether or not she's won the March fight, will sometimes pout all the way through August. Summer may get a week in during August, but that's probably it. Fall then bullies his way back onto the schedule and we switch rain coat for not-to-heavy wool coat.

In other news, we have still not yet painted the rest of the trim. There is a good reason for this: exhaustion, but also there was an incident on Thursday that laid me out for two days. I'll tell that story when my ego isn't so bruised.

I am contemplating watching the Oscars. Last night this led to us wondering if we'd actually gone and watched any movies in 2008 - but I know we went and saw Indiana Jones and I think we went and saw something at the Ebeltoft Film School, but I can't remember what it was. So mostly it would be to watch for the dresses, the speeches, and Hugh Jackman.

But then my dear spouse comes and tells me that we'll be painting trim tonight - we must! Ah, he's been driving his taxi for a very long time and has only had a few hours sleep. Yes, I am *SO* looking forward to tonight's paint extravaganza.

Oh, and for the last few days we've been having half of the floors in the apartment done. The floorman, while I admire his pre-industrialism attitude towards work, was supposed to come right after new years. He didn't call, he didn't come. We were going to get someone else to come, except that we couldn't afford anyone else. The floorman then called and explained that he'd hurt his back and that's why he didn't come. Lame excuse. I've thrown out my back and it's never stopped me from making a phone call. Whatever asshat.

But he's still the cheapest and he does fine work... when he works... so we have to take him. Grumble grumble. Thankfully he normally doesn't appear until some time around 10 am (instead of 7:30 you horrible window painting baboons!) and leaves around 3. Now, if he was a bit more of a... I don't know... professional... he could have knocked out these rooms in a hurry, but he never did come over on Friday (no excuse, just never came) and so now he's worked some hours over the weekend... but anyway the apartment smells of wood, there is sawdust in the darnedest places and an overwhelming stench of polyurethane or something is wafting up the hallway from the back bedrooms. The floorman has been in a fit (such as it is) to finish those rooms by today so we can "move into them," he keeps saying. He told us we could "move in" over the weekend, but then he sort of kind of not at all put in enough work during the week for this to happen. But that's not really important, because we aren't "moving into" those rooms. Husband keeps telling floorman this, and saying that it needs to be done faster so we can rent out this apartment, but floorman is not the brightest crayon in the box and it hasn't sunk in.

Also, we have to move out when he does the hallway and kitchen, because we can't walk on the floors when they're sticky and thus, can't reach the bathroom. But what day this will be is completely up in the air. Floorman keeps saying "yeah, it won't be a problem." Uh, not for you, bozo, but we live here.

So I might find myself suddenly shifted to another location. I don't particularly care, the other option was that we live in the back rooms and use the back stairs to go to the bathroom in the public 2 kroner toilet for TWO DAYS, if the floorman is as efficient as he says he will be (read: it will take 4 days if not more). I have a frustrating (to me) bladder, the farther I am from the toilet, the more often I have to pee. And if I have to go out into cold weather, the amount of times I will REALLY REALLY have to pee will multiply exponentially. I can work next to a toilet all day, drink lots of coffee and never have to go - because the toilet is right there and it's so convenient. The public toilet, on the other hand, costing 2 kroner to get in, a good three minute walk away, crossing two streets to get to it, is an invitation to disaster. There'd also be no shower and no water to drink, because we couldn't get into the kitchen either. So we'd have to buy water and go out to eat... but we couldn't bathe first.

Yeah, no. I do that on digs and as long as everyone is in the same boat it's NO PROBLEM but here? Oh, hell no. Nope. Nada. Can't make me. Grounds for divorce. Justifiable homicide.

4 comments:

  1. That is by far, the best, and funniest, description of the Danish weather that I have ever read.

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  2. Oh, my poor darling. Where do you find these insanely inept handymen? Is everything in Denmark either in the insanely expensive or insanely inept category?

    By the way, I love the term asshat, and I can hear your exact tone of voice in my head as I read it. So, either you're a really good writer or I'm just hearing voices again.

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  3. I agree with Patti!! I love the weather description....

    but even more, I TOTALLY am with you on the "work next to the toilet, drinking all day, never having to pee"...but the minute there is not one for miles and miles.. I GOTTA GO!!

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  4. You've absolutely nailed the Danish weather. When I read your description I said to myself, "yes, that's exactly what I think, only I would never have been able to express it that articulately and elegantly." All the seasons duking it out to our detriment. Perfect.

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