Sunday, March 02, 2008

Don't read this if you don't like stories about vomit!

Last night was a fairly standard one, where no one gets much sleep for various reasons. But for me there was about 10 minutes of heightened horribleness that will be long remembered.

Unable to sleep I had gone and parked myself on the couch. Saturday nights in Denmark are notorious for bad American Movies, last night was no exception. I watched Phantoms - which is a TERRIBLE movie. Save yourself two hours of your life, don't watch it. It's so terrible that even I, who jump at loud noises and still have nightmares about Resident Evil (don't ask), was not in the least bit scared by this movie.

But that is not the point. I'd gotten very tired and slid very far down on the couch. I really should have gotten up at that point and gone to bed, but lets not dwell on my little mistakes and instead focus on the big one.

I was thirsty, there was a full glass of water, I attempted to drink it whilst lying down. Fatal error, I inhaled it. A lot of it.

I don't care who developed the human throat (this is a VERY GOOD proof AGAINST intelligent design) but having the windpipe attach to the esophagus is a BAD idea.

As I was desperately trying to suck air into my lungs and cough up the water (which is what normally happens when you inhale a BIT of water) my diaphragm went into action. Convulsions occur in order to force that water up and out - putting undue pressure on my stomach as well as my lungs. Then as water begins to come up and out, it triggers the gag reflex and the next thing you know, you are not trying to breathe, you are trying to stop vomiting all over yourself. And the blankets. And the couch. In the movies, people who have just been rescued from drowning vomit up all the water they got in their lungs. Apparently they haven't eaten within the last 24 hours.

Unlike the stomach flu where you get some sort of warning (nausea, over abundance of saliva) you get none from almost drowning. My train of thought went something like: "Gak! Can't breathe! Don't panic! Don't WOW WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING STOP THAT!"

At which point I jumped up, opened the door of the living room, ran (with all the blankets, who've had better nights) across the dining room, opened the door to the hallway, took two steps, opened the door to the bathroom, dumped the blankets in the shower and leaned over the toilet - just as I finished the spasmodic vomiting and began to breathe normally again.

As vomiting experiences go, it wasn't that bad. Like the times I've been violently ill after eating pickles, it was pretty much vomit-and-go! No nasty side affects and you can go right back into the kitchen for a glass of water. I recommend it over the stomach flu, where you spend hours draped over the toilet feeling horrible, or alcohol poisoning which would be vomit-and-go, except that you pay for it later.

So I leave you with an important reminder: Remember to sit up before taking a drink! It could save your life, or certainly your upholstery.

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Keep it clean, don't be mean....